


Breakable

by RocioWrites



Category: Criminal Minds
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-31
Updated: 2014-05-31
Packaged: 2018-01-27 19:28:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,028
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1719944
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RocioWrites/pseuds/RocioWrites
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>[Suicidal thoughts and slight description of violence tw] It’s quite amazing how a grown up man can look so small and helpless while shaking and crying.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Breakable

**Author's Note:**

> SUICIDAL THOUGHTS AND SLIGHT DESCRIPTION OF VIOLENCE TRIGGER WARNING

Written for the [Criminal Minds Prompt Meme on LJ](http://cmpromptmeme.livejournal.com/). [Round Four: Lyrics](http://cmpromptmeme.livejournal.com/1638.html?thread=208230#t208230).

Prompt: Hotch/Reid. Be my friend / Hold me, wrap me up / Unfold me / I am small and needy / Warm me up / And breathe me

 

*

It’s quite amazing how a grown up man can look so small and helpless while shaking and crying. Especially a man like him, broad shoulders and firm muscles. However, he does seem tiny and helpless.

It’s sad when the nightmares are all the same and therefore, the nights are restless. No need to pretend when the tears show up and the ragged breath makes him more uneasy. He’s scared of his own dreams and memories and then he’s there again, on the floor, bloody and fragile. He still can feel it, inside of him, twisting the knife in his guts. It makes him sick, it makes him awfully aware of how life can be taken away from him so easily.

His whole body is trembling, almost singing again and again all that is just the past to try and convince him to stop being so fearful. Today, Foyet is no longer alive. And he is. _He is_.

His son is alive too.

Haley is not. And that brings more tears.

He can’t control it, he wants to but he can’t. It still hurts, it still feels like he will fall again. He bites his lips together, sealing them to avoid the scream stuck in his throat. That’s it for him, a life of saving others except the ones he loves the most.

“Aaron?”

And then life brings Spencer Reid into his world. And it’s not fair, because he’s so fucking damaged and he has already messed up Haley’s life, he has got her  _killed_. He can’t answer, his voice won’t come out alright so he doesn’t even try.

“Hey, it’s okay.” The lights are on and Spencer’s sleepy face looks at him, concern evident in those beautiful eyes. No, he can’t do this anymore, he just closes his eyes, tears falling down when he does. “Shhh. It’s me, it’s okay.”

And it’s not okay. It’s everything but okay. Spencer holds him like he would to a small child and whispers to his ears, they’re rocking back and forward. Aaron keeps his lips shut tight just in case some pitiful sound would come out of them.

“The same nightmare?” He nods pure out of instinct. “It’s okay, it was just that. A nightmare. You’re here. You’re fine now.”

They both know that’s mostly a lie. And it’s amazing how he looks so tiny and broken in Spencer’s arms. He tries to make himself as small as possible just to fit better against his lover. He doesn’t want to fuck Spencer’s life too but he can’t bring himself to give him up just yet. Damn, he needs him. He needs the tender care, the soft kisses, the patience. He needs Spencer like an useless man needs someone to take care of him.

Probably, because he himself is an useless man right now.

He’s useless when Foyet’s ghost is there to torment him. Because he’s alive but sure as hell it feels as if Foyet has won.

And Spencer’s sweets words stop the crying. Not the tremors but he can breath a bit better now and the rocking motion is absurdly calming. They’re as quiet as two broken adults can be, hoping Jack won’t wake up anytime soon.

“Better?” Spencer asks and he nods again. God, he hates all this damn PTSD, the way he can’t look at himself in the mirror, the way he doesn’t let Spencer kiss his scars or the way he freaks out just feeling some weight atop of him. He just hates all of it. He’s permanently scarred in more ways than one. “You sure?”

Aaron doesn’t understand how Spencer can be so caring and loving with him. Well, he gets it, Spencer’s used to take care of people (his mother is a living proof of it) but he is - _should be_ \- a capable man, the stone in which everyone can rest. He isn’t that right now, truth be told.

On the other hand, Spencer is all that and more. He’s his lover, his father in some ways (caring like a parent should), his friend, his punching bag sometimes too, his guilt and his absolution. _His everything_.

And it’s painfully clear that he’s doing the same for Jack too, Spencer’s being everything Aaron can’t.

“I’m sorry.” Aaron manages and Spencer smiles at him like it’s not big deal. “I’m so sorry.” And he knows he sounds so desperate and lost, he can’t help it.

“Not your fault. Nothing to apologize for.”

They’re still whispering and rocking and Aaron has this urge to let everything go and finally end up the horror. He doesn’t know if this is a suicidal or a normal thought for someone who has lived what he had lived. He doesn’t want to find out.

“I can’t believe you still put up with me.”

And there it is, suicidal maybe because he has this tendency to ruin everything good around him.

“That’s odd. I think the same. How can you put up with me?” Oh wow and that self-depreciating smile is really sad and if Aaron wasn’t the man he is, he would kiss it away. “Don’t look at me like that.”

He doesn’t exactly know how he’s looking at Spencer, but he’s pretty sure it’s a mix of adoration and need.

“I love you.” Spencer looks a bit shocked and it feels all better now, at least for a moment or two. “I really love you. Don’t ever leave me, please…”

“I’m not going to. I love you too much to leave you.” it’s an statement, not a promise. Either way, Spencer finishes it with a soft and chaste kiss.

“I’m sorry…” He breathes, eyes stinging, new tears will show up anytime now. “…for being so needy.”

“Aaron…” Spencer hugs him tight like if it were possible to fusion both bodies into one. Sometimes, Aaron thinks that would be just perfect.

“But just… please, just hold me.”

“You say that like I could let you go.”


End file.
